It was the day before my first day back at work. My boyfriend and I decided to do a trial run to my office just to make sure I could handle the drive. As luck would have it, I work only four miles away. I was a little shaky at first, but then I realized—I got this! As we pulled into my work parking lot a wave of accomplishment and happiness washed over me. Who would have thought driving four miles would have such a huge affect on me? But this was one step closer to normalcy.
I soon realized I could no longer park in my “normal spot” which was in the far corner of the parking lot. Hello……..feeling of disappointment, again. I would purposely park far away to get in as many “Fitbit steps” as possible. This was my daily routine for the past two years. Maybe to some this seems silly or trivial, but if you add up all of these “little things” during the day or week, it really becomes depressing and frustrating. It’s a constant reminder of how my life used to be. But as always, I dusted it off and powered to the next hurdle.
Once inside, I faced down two flights of stairs. I never realized how intimidating they could be. This is going to take all damn day, I thought to myself. I made it to the top of the first flight and I felt like I just climbed to the crown of the Statue of Liberty. One more flight to go. It took a bit, but I made it to the top. VICTORY IS MINE! Then I realized that I have to do this Monday through Friday.
My emotions are like a yo-yo.
Rinse and repeat.
I turned the key to the office door, walked over to my desk and sat down. I made it. I did it. The good news is that our landlord turns down the heat down REALLY LOW on the weekends, so it was an icebox. Perfect for me, not so much my boyfriend who’s teeth were chattering by the end. I on the other hand, am constantly hot. My body is like a fucking furnace running 24/7.
Now was the true test— Can I perform my job well? How long can I last before I crash from exhaustion? When will the pain strike? When will my hands and arms give out? I was in uncharted territory. I had no idea what to expect. But it was sort of like riding a bike. You never really lose it. I just started doing my normal routine and it felt great to get back into the swing of things.
I won’t lie and say it went seamless. I can’t type yet. I felt like a velociraptor typing with my right hand. My left hand side is the weaker side and the side that decides at awkward times to stop working. BUT, I managed to catch up significantly. Accomplishment! And we are getting the Dragon speaking typing software, so I am feeling very confident this will not hinder my ability to do my job.
All was going swimmingly. Then my old friend, pain, decided to rear its ugly head. I actually broke down crying. I cried loud and hard. I am in Hell, I thought. I felt like some sick cruel joke was being played on me. But thankfully no one was in the building, but my boyfriend and I. It finally passed. By then I was exhausted. My entire body felt weak and just spent. Like a hangover, but on steroids. Then multiply that by 10. Yea….it’s that bad. I made it two hours. I was proud and yet part of me was upset that once again, this was just another painful reminder that I can’t just resume life back to normal. I turned the lights off, locked up, and decided I was going to go for the gusto and make it to the grocery store. I needed everyday items like toilet paper and water. It’s a terrible feeling knowing you can’t just jump in the car and go with this disease. I just never know how I am going to feel day to day. Let alone hour to hour.
It was a mad house! Everyone and their mother was there. I started to panic thinking I will not find a close parking spot. And the thought of walking far makes me want to cry, scream, and yell. All at the same time. But low and behold a close spot was open! SCORE! I once again found myself using the good ole trusty shopping cart as a walker.
I wobble into a wall of avocados. And BAM! It hits me. It’s fucking Super Bowl Sunday! WOW! How did we both totally forget this?! This is just another reminder of how different our lives are now. So we bagged a few avocados, grabbed some chips and salsa and some pre-made goodies and got online. My legs started to feel like Jello and then my right leg and foot went completely numb……..Oh shit. This was my body telling me I am being a stubborn ass again and overdoing it. We paid and got out of there as quickly as possible.
Once home I was so tired that I literally had to crawl up my flight of stairs. I realized quickly that I need to move. Like yesterday. But I felt accomplished. I was able to go into work and I was confident that I can at least do a few hours everyday until I see the doctor, in 4 days, and get on some sort of treatment plan so I can see where I stand. But for now, I’ll take the win.
By they way, I never made it past the first quarter, but it was probably better off considering I am a Giants fan. 😉