Can you put in a store card for me?

I want to be brutally honest about my recovery and progress.

This past week home from the hospital has been life changing to say the least. New symptoms or hidden ones have suddenly emerged and the uncertainty of not knowing if you will fully recover is frightening. Not being pumped with an IV of steroids two times a day has shown me just how bad this disease can be left untreated.

I spend my days sleeping and medicating myself so I don’t become crippled with pain. For the first time I have felt this strong urge to write. My creative juices have been flowing like crazy. I haven’t felt this way since I was a child. I sleep in short increments. I wake up every night around 2:00 am with terrible pain. It feels like someone is taking a cigar cuter to the nerves in my legs and back. I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided I would take my mind off of it and give writing a book or blogging a shot. I mean, why not? A few minutes in and I started to realize how therapeutic it was for me. This is great, I thought! Finally a way I can take my mind off of this unbearable pain.

But this came to an abrupt end. I was about five paragraphs in and my hands just stopped working. They became rubber. I can’t really explain the feeling other than restless leg syndrome, but in your hands. I still haven’t recovered fully from it and I can’t really hold anything for a long period of time without needing a break. Thank you science for microphone messaging. Seriously. It’s been my only sanity lately.

Wednesday was the first time I was able to get out of the house to the grocery store and the Quick Check. First stop was QC, where I learned how hard it is to carry a purse and a cane in bad weather. I dropped the cane at least four times and I had to have my dearest friend Patricia get it for me- every time. I think the most crushing part was not being able to just grab myself a fucking cup of coffee without being clumsy or people staring at me. You see the looks. You feel like you just don’t belong. It feels like your body is having this internal war and no one can really understand it until they have experienced it themselves.

Next up the grocery store. It already feels like I ran two marathon’s. That really took it out of me. Shit, was it always going to be like this? I was determined to make it through the grocery store. I used the cart to hold myself up and to help me walk properly. I learned that after only five minutes of walking, my legs start to feel like Jello. I felt like I was just waiting to fall. The pain started to pick up and then the sweats started happening. Like crazy hot flashes. I fucking felt like I was in the Sahara Desert and I just wanted the rip my clothing off and sit in the middle of the grocery store aisle. I thought about it for a brief moment.

Doing normal things like reaching for cat food becomes this huge task. I wanted to break down in the store at least 5 times and just cry, but I had to remain strong. I keep whispering this to myself as I hobbled around the store. My arms started to burn from trying to hold myself up.

I kept telling myself—Who the fuck am I to get so upset? Some people can’t even go to the grocery store, let alone walk. Thank the lucky stars I have my friend who has been one of my rocks through all of this, just treating me normal and making me laugh through it all. Because at the end of the day, that’s all that matters in life.

This is all new to me and I am still learning about this disease and the effects it has on my body. I finally have a doctors appointment with an MS specialist next Friday. I am hoping with a new daily treatment and pain plan, I can resume life somewhat back to normal. I feel like I need to be extremely honest with my recovery, and in hope that it will help people better understand what I am going through and maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else who is just as frightened as I am.

For anyone who is on the fence about the benefits of cannabis oil—if it wasn’t for this, I would be in crippling pain. It is the only thing that is making my life bearable these past few days. The thought of anyone having to deal with the pain of this disease without it, kills me. It literally rips my heart out. No one should have to live through any type of pain. Ever.

As always, I am a Mutha Fuckin Warrior and this soon will pass!

Thank you all for your support.